New beginnings…

You taught me the courage of stars before you left

How light carries on endlessly, even after death.

With shortness of breath, you explained the infinite

How rare and beautiful it is to even exist

-sleeping at last

 

Sunrises are my thing. I’m not sure if I’m a morning person, but I think I’m in love with the new hope of a sunrise, the promise that no matter what, everything will be OK. You mat trip and fall, but you can always rise, and start over. You can always make a fresh start; Life will give you a second chance. But, I also love the mysterious and the glorious night. The way that the infinite stars in the sky diminish my own insecurities. They outnumber my fears, and even when I feel small, I feel safe. I have stayed up at nights, gazing at the dark sly, wondering of the unknowns- the great unknown.

If anything, I want to be remembered as the messy girl who was so-in-love with the universe!

Yesterday I realized something; something so simple and subtle, and when it hit me I finally felt that I could make it. I’ll survive and live through this, all of this, anything.

After a very long long long time, I did something- just for myself, just to feel free. I defied a lot of social norms (Oh! How scandalizing of me!) And I almost got into trouble, but I made it through! I didn’t break any rules. (Well, I did! but at least nobody got hurt) finally, oh, finally I let go of everything I held onto, so dearly, even when it was turning me insane; all the terrible things that all the people did to me, or said to me; and all the pain that I used to wear like an armour, using it as an excuse for not really living, or loving. Isn’t this what we all do? Use our pain as an excuse or a free pass to not love and not feel and not really be alive. Why?

Life has been hard on us. Yes! But, that’s not the point; the point is the possibility. The possibility of change, the possibility of love, of a new life, anything, but don’t hope for a miracle because you’d rather wish on a shooting star, and be done with it. But the small moments, if you really live them, they’ll help you through anything.

“Don’t be the obstacle of your own life” I guess, I never really understood what it meant to me. I guess it’s this: Life has been unfair to me; but I’ve been cruel to myself. I’ve blamed myself for things, and for so long (whether or not they were my mistake). I have been self-destructive, self-loathing, and been the toughest critic to myself. I pushed people away for the fear of losing them or disappointing them. I have been afraid that if I let them any close, they would see me for the sad, scared, broken person I am, and not the persona of a cheerleader. Probably I am both, but nevertheless, I have never accepted myself fully for the person that I am. I have created this mental image myself that I was terrified to let go. I did everything to keep up with that image, and it made me uptight- like a rule book. I tried to be the girl who wouldn’t do anything to embarrass herself or others; the girl who would do things that were asked/expected of her, I tried to be the girl that everybody liked (ever the people-pleaser), the girl who would burn the edges off, just to fit the image.

And you know what? I’m the square peg among the circles!

The best damn feeling in this world is when you realize that it’s OK to be who you are, where you are, doing what you do! It is the best feeling, when you realize that you don’t have to chase life, because it’s happening right now, with you; not somewhere else.

How long will it take for you to tell your own name, when I ask you to list the things that you love the most?

Got you thinking, huh?

I’m nobody’s nothing as much as I’m my everything!

I don’t want won’t beat myself up for the mistakes of the past, or the infinite ones that I may/will do in the future (heaven knows, that no matter what, I won’t destroy anyone), and that’s acceptable.

I have never really wanted to celebrate my birthday, my entire life; because after the one person who meant the world to me, who cherished me and loved me so much that even a 5-yr old me would know the pains he’d go through to make that beyond special, beyond amazing and beautiful. He was the truest thing I ever knew and believed. After he passed away, I felt like I didn’t want to celebrate that day, I felt like I didn’t deserve it; I dread the day, and I used to sulk and mope at home, waiting for the day to pass, as if I had been cursed, just for that one day! I love birthdays; Birthdays and goodbyes are my thing. I go out of my way to make those special. (No questions asked, and people who know me well, know that that’s just an understatement)

My entire life, he’s been the hand in the heaven, rescuing me, guiding me, and watching over me. This time I genuinely won’t run and hide on my birthday (what a cliché!) like it is the reminder of a great world tragedy! It’s not!

I’ll try not to hate myself so much, I’ll try not to beat myself up for every little thing. I wasn’t born to fix things, or mend people, or to live up to someone’s idea of a life, or to meet somebody’s expectations. I was born to live, and simply be me! I don’t want to use excuses to shy away from people, life and situations. If I screw up, so be it. I’ll deal with it; I have dealt with everybody else’s screw ups and mishaps, for a change, I’ll deal with mine! But more than anything, I want to have genuine, honest, deep, true-to-god conversations with people and speak my mind.

After a very long time, I realized how it felt, not to hold back anything in my mind for the fear of being judged or criticized. I finally realize what it is like to love myself, and really mean it. Yesterday, I fell in love with life; and not because of someone or something. I found my life waiting for me- to be accepted and loved, because it deserved so much, so much. It has been through quite a lot. It deserves to be happy, it deserves to be loved, it deserves second chances- and a million of them. It deserves time-outs and long breaks, vacations and beaches, beautiful music and intricate art, long walks and deep conversations. It deserves nurturing and care. After all, it is a real person; it is you, it is me!

I’m probably not a good writer, or an amazing singer; I probably won’t make any records/ albums. Or make it to Nashville! I’m probably not even a good artist and my sketches lack originality, that’s OK! Because I know that I’m a decent artist, and I’ll try to be better. I’m not on borrowed time, and I’ll do things because I want to do them, because it ignites my soul and I don’t want to account myself for it! I won’t take it to my grave, but I have given my share of chunks to this universe, and will continue to do so. I won’t probably leave a legacy behind, just like I don’t follow one!

I want to have lazy afternoons and completely uneventful days, but also eventful ones when my heartbeats deafen my ears. I want to have peaceful nights, I want to have solidarity and amazing company. I want it all- the good, the bad, the worst and the awesome. I want to learn how to embrace it all and not feel guilty about any of them. I want to have revelations like this, every day, until there’s nothing left to realize. I want to feel it all, live it all, be- all. I want to take that chance and plunge in deep, give my everything, lose it all, and gain something that I never had. I want to LIVE!

We all deserve to cut a little slack for ourselves, take a step back and enjoy the view. If you can treat someone else so kindly and lovingly, just imagine, how much you could love yourself! I promise you it’ll be worth it! Believe me 🙂

Sunsets are proof that endings can be beautiful too!