Month: January 2017

Excerpts from a story (You & I)

Posted on by Girl in the green $hrug

“I don’t know how to be, or who to be around you anymore”

Our conversations didn’t make sense to me anymore. There used to be a time, when I could see my whole world in your eyes. But now, all I see is how deeply I am lost. It wasn’t that things had changed. No, they didn’t change. I probably never realized the wall that stood between us all this time. A wall made of things that I never told you, of all the feelings I kept bottled inside, of the moments we never shared with each other, of all the time in the world that I didn’t get to spend with you. Nothing new has changed.

Everything is still the same as the way it was before, yet now I feel the drift between us. I feel the burden of my dreams that will never turn into reality.

The dreams of our future, the possibility of a life that we would never get to share with each other; that there will come a day when we will grow old but never together, the adventures that we cannot take, the fights we’d never have; there would be no making-ups, the stories that we wouldn’t get to tell people about each other, about our lives. The children and grandchildren who we’d never get to spoil or dress in blue, green and purple, all your weird festivals we’d never get to celebrate, the places we’d never get to go, or the people we won’t be able to offend with our PDA’s. The houses we’d never get to move into, the rooms we’d never get to decorate and re-decorate, the chances I’d never get to bug you about my complete ignorance of colors and rose-gold paints, because you’d be painting your dream house with someone else. The sunrises and sunsets we’d never watch together, the stars we’d never count, the moving clouds we’d never lazily gaze, the dogs we’d never adopt and name ‘Happy’. The innumerable, yet intense conversations we’d never have, the pointless and endless circles of all the parks and tea shops and lakes that we’ll never make, the absence of silly arguments & ridiculous jokes or the peaceful moments in each others company, the memories we’d never create, the mistakes we’d never get to make;

Probably, because you felt that the greatest and only mistake we could ever make is, Us!

Maybe I realized that the hope and dreams I had, were just castles built in thin air. Sometimes, the image of a certain someone in our mind, feels closer and true than the way they are in real life.

The only hope I have is that in time I would learn to make peace with my shattered dreams. I hope that someday we will be able to pick up the pieces of our memories frozen in time, and smile at it; grateful that we had what we had, even if it was short-lived. And I hope that one day you would understand that ‘we’ would have never been a mistake, and that every little thing that brought a smile to your face was my holy grail.

Maybe, someday you’ll realize that for someone like me, who’s never known a feeling called ‘Home’; You felt like home!

Dear Zindagi, Thank You!

Posted on by Girl in the green $hrug

At times, when we are so bound by inertia, we tend to push aside the things that we always wanted to do. Call it procrastination or simply fear; everyone does it.  That’s why we have bucket lists-to look forward to, whether or not we do those things. Speaking of bucket lists, I finally gathered the courage to watch a movie in a theater, all by myself. **Checking that off the list ** this movie, in all honesty had struck a chord- deep in my heart before it had even been premiered. The lyrics of every song; the tiny bits of the trailers released every week had secured a soft corner in my heart. It’s weird how a trailer almost gives away the plot of the movie (esp. Indian movies!). But as long as it has sparked your curiosity, it’s still worth watching the entire movie. To me, it’s a journey at the end of which, you always have something to take home.

In the line at the ticket counter, amongst the shy couples and cousins, there was an older woman who was buying a ticket for herself, and I wondered- Has our generation become terrifyingly co-dependent, such that we can’t imagine going anywhere without company; or was it just me? One can be alone, without ever feeling lonely. I wonder how many of us can do that? A little time spent in your own safe space in silence can do wonders for the soul.

Now, for the people who haven’t watched it; I won’t give away any spoilers, but I do have to mention this- There are overwhelming depths to the oceans that we are, and to become our true selves, we need to take that plunge; we need to swim a little deeper each day until we find the bottom of that ocean. The ocean bed isn’t dark and gloomy; in fact it is the revelation that is the true purpose of this journey called life.

I’m sure most of us can relate to Kaira in more than one way. Everyone has done self-destructive things at some point in their lives. But most importantly, the lesson out of the movie is that we need to be kinder to ourselves & in turn kinder to the world around us. In a world, where we label ourselves and others as per the definitions created by the society, we need to learn how to accept ourselves and others without categorizing everything. It’s okay if things don’t work out or if they don’t make sense. The universe is under no obligation to make sense to you, and neither are you. It’s perfectly fine if you don’t know where you fit in this fast changing world or if you don’t know which direction to head in. It’s okay if you’re 28 and unmarried or 35 without children. It’s so easy for us to be hard on ourselves, trying to make the most of it, rushing against time added with all the negative self-talk and self loathing. Just imagine- what would happen if you said the same things you tell yourself to someone else? Not too nice huh?

But you know what? It’s okay if you don’t have a “plan” or if you screwed up a little. Does it matter if you don’t have the next 10 or 15 years figured out, right now? Is that time promised to you anyways?

We aren’t race horses-fighting to get to the finish line. We are people. Fragile, broken, clumsy, messed up, sweet, innocent, quirky, adorable, over-thinking and amazing-people!

All the talks about your future, your career, your marriage, your kids-their education, your education, your own house; they all can wait for a minute. Right now, just breathe & smile. You’ve made it this far, even though you don’t give yourself credit for it. Look out the window, listen to the birds chirping, take off your earphones and listen to the clock ticking, or to the beating of your own heart. IF you just look up toward the sky and watch for a moment, you can see the clouds passing, or the eagles circling in the sky along with the wind. Listen! Right this moment, your neighbor might be yelling (unpleasant as it is). Can you hear the leaves rustling on the trees; the whistling of the cooker in your kitchen; the click clacking of the keyboard of your colleague sitting next to you?

A moment of stillness; how does that feel?

You don’t have to figure it all right now! You don’t!

We all have this picture in our mind- of the path that we’re supposed to take, of the person that we want to be, of the mother ship that would take us on this journey. At times, we all get anxious about the choices we didn’t make, or the opportunities that we didn’t grab. But where would you have landed if you had said “Yes” to everything that knocked on your door? It would lead to your alternate life, the one that you’re not in. We don’t know if that’s a good thing or not, and we’ll never do. So do what’s best for you now. Because when the future unravels itself, it’ll be a lot different than you’d ever imagined. Oh! And all that burden you carry in your heart; all the sorrow, the guilt, the pain & the hatred?  It doesn’t have a power over you, if you don’t let it. Don’t carry the mountain that you were only supposed to climb.

At the end of the movie, I stayed back in the theater as everyone left, because I was still in the moment. And to my surprise, there was an older woman at the end of my row, still seated; letting it all sink in. I felt that somewhere deep inside of us, a lot of broken pieces had been put together. A solemn smile stayed on our lips & I wondered- what demons did she bid goodbye to, at the end of this 2.5 hours? I know, I still have many; buried deep down that need to be put to rest and made peace with, in time.

But, I hope her days get a little brighter, a little easier and a lot happier.

I hope her demons rest in peace.