“I don’t know how to be, or who to be around you anymore”
Our conversations didn’t make sense to me anymore. There used to be a time, when I could see my whole world in your eyes. But now, all I see is how deeply I am lost. It wasn’t that things had changed. No, they didn’t change. I probably never realized the wall that stood between us all this time. A wall made of things that I never told you, of all the feelings I kept bottled inside, of the moments we never shared with each other, of all the time in the world that I didn’t get to spend with you. Nothing new has changed.
Everything is still the same as the way it was before, yet now I feel the drift between us. I feel the burden of my dreams that will never turn into reality.
The dreams of our future, the possibility of a life that we would never get to share with each other; that there will come a day when we will grow old but never together, the adventures that we cannot take, the fights we’d never have; there would be no making-ups, the stories that we wouldn’t get to tell people about each other, about our lives. The children and grandchildren who we’d never get to spoil or dress in blue, green and purple, all your weird festivals we’d never get to celebrate, the places we’d never get to go, or the people we won’t be able to offend with our PDA’s. The houses we’d never get to move into, the rooms we’d never get to decorate and re-decorate, the chances I’d never get to bug you about my complete ignorance of colors and rose-gold paints, because you’d be painting your dream house with someone else. The sunrises and sunsets we’d never watch together, the stars we’d never count, the moving clouds we’d never lazily gaze, the dogs we’d never adopt and name ‘Happy’. The innumerable, yet intense conversations we’d never have, the pointless and endless circles of all the parks and tea shops and lakes that we’ll never make, the absence of silly arguments & ridiculous jokes or the peaceful moments in each others company, the memories we’d never create, the mistakes we’d never get to make;
Probably, because you felt that the greatest and only mistake we could ever make is, Us!
Maybe I realized that the hope and dreams I had, were just castles built in thin air. Sometimes, the image of a certain someone in our mind, feels closer and true than the way they are in real life.
The only hope I have is that in time I would learn to make peace with my shattered dreams. I hope that someday we will be able to pick up the pieces of our memories frozen in time, and smile at it; grateful that we had what we had, even if it was short-lived. And I hope that one day you would understand that ‘we’ would have never been a mistake, and that every little thing that brought a smile to your face was my holy grail.
Maybe, someday you’ll realize that for someone like me, who’s never known a feeling called ‘Home’; You felt like home!