“Why wouldn’t you tell someone, how deeply you feel about them?” I asked him, surprised.
Cupping the warm coffee mug in my palms, I watched him as he took a sip from his cup of steamy tea. Shifting uncomfortably in his chair, he looked out the window for a moment to gather his thoughts.
Love changes people. Here is a person, who used to be the most confident person I ever knew, who’s now second guessing himself.
“It’s not that I don’t want to express my feelings out in the open, even though a part of me is terrified beyond reason. Some things when said out loud, changes everything.”
“Yes, it would. But that’s the beauty of life, isn’t it? The possibility of a change! Say it, what do you’ve to lose?” I question him passionately. It doesn’t make sense to me, that someone could suppress their love, for the fear of being rejected.
“Everything! We have been friends for a while now and even though I haven’t known her forever, it sure feels that way” He said, smiling like a 15-year old boy in love.
He let out a deep sigh; the weight of his thoughts unraveled into words, “I don’t want to risk our friendship; I don’t want to risk her.” He continued, shaking his head lightly
He seemed like he was troubled by the constant tug of his thoughts, but for a moment, his eyes lit up, and that smitten-teenage-boy smile appeared back on his lips, as though he was reminiscing about her.
“I wish you could see yourself right now. God, you’re hopelessly in love with her; yet, here you are, debating whether or not you’re worthy of her.” I exclaimed with joy.
“We are different people. Yes, I’d do anything to make her smile, to keep her happy. I’d fight the world if it comes to that. But at the end of the day, I don’t belong in her world; she doesn’t feel that way about me.” He explained, although it sounded as if he was trying to convince himself more than me.
“If you’re going to come up with reasons, you better come up with ones that at least make sense. Tell me, what good is it to either of you, if you repress your feelings?” I grilled him.
There are two kinds of people who I know of. One who find love, as an incurable disease. They fall in love according to the whims of the wind. So much, that ‘Being/Falling in love’ could be a hobby. The other kind is the one that questions everything they feel, know and understand about love. They’ve trouble falling in love, but more so, when falling out of it.
Unfortunately, I fall on both ends of the spectrum. So, Lately I’ve decided to stay out of the entire cycle of falling in and out of love. Probably it’s for the best that I couldn’t make sense of it. How does one know what love is, until he’s completely aware of what love isn’t?
“At least, we’ll be friends, if not anything else” He answered solemnly, breaking my thoughts.
“And what good is such friendship? If one suffers withholding his affection towards the other, sinking deep into sorrow, while the other person is unaware, forbidden to witness & share or ease the misery?” I asked him.
He looked away, slipping back into the world outside the glass windows. Reality can be a nightmare when you feel lost.
“Don’t get me wrong. I’ve been at the same cross roads once. I won’t deny the possibility that she may push you away, once you’ve disclosed your feelings. Losing a friend hurts like hell; but you know what’s worse? Considering someone your friend, when they’re clearly not one.” I continued.
It wasn’t new to me, this feeling of rejection. Wearing your heart on the sleeve can open your eyes to new light, but it also meant that you pay the price of heartbreak. But, I’ve learnt it the hard way that you can’t let your past control your future. Maybe Love is a myth; maybe one will never truly understand the depths of it.
Or maybe we’ve got it all wrong. Love opens the doors of your heart for new light to enter. What we ask out of life, is for that door to remain open, for that Love to always stay inside. But, Love knows no boundaries, no limits and no rules. It enters when it pleases, and leaves when its journey is complete.
We are the fools, who’ve been taught that it is here to stay forever. Forever afters’ are overrated; how can you say that Love will last forever, when your own life won’t? All I know is that you’ve to believe that you’re here to make the best of everything. Life is nothing but merely an experience.
“If she really wants you in her life, if you mean something to her, if she knows the value of a relation-any relation, then she wouldn’t let you go. And I don’t mean that she’ll accept you as her partner; but she would surely find a way to keep you around. It may sound corny, but people who’ve known loss are the ones who truly understand life, they’re the ones that matter & are worth keeping around in the long run” I added.
Wait until you fall madly in love with someone, and that’s the person whom you should ruthlessly pursue. Of all the things in life, remember, love isn’t mediocre. If it doesn’t scare you a little, if you have to convince yourself of being in love, then you are fooling yourself.
Connections aren’t made in the skies; souls don’t find each other in thin air. There’s more, much more at play here. Don’t deny your intuition; don’t fool yourself even if it breaks your heart. If they’re supposed to be in your life, even if for the shortest duration, celebrate it! For if you pursue that love, you may have a shot at a life with them, or else a lifetime of memories.